I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Randomize
