Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
