from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
