I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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