Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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