No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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