I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
