I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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