Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Randomize
