I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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