Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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