Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
