He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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