Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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