Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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