If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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