So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
