I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
