jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
