i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
