Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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