he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
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Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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