I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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