is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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