You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
