wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
