this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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