Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
