White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
