just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
