Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
