Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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