My friends, they love my intelligence
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Randomize
