I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Randomize
