Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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