I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
