Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
