I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
