From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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