I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
