OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
