Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
