Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
