she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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