Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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