Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
