and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
