to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
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But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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