We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
