last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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