id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
home. puking in laundry basket.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
