Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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