so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
its not stalking. its research.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
