A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
