Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
