Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize