2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
