I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
